I’ve always been a lover of many things. Flowers, family, FOOD! I loved theater. I loved music and doing hoodrat things with my best friends. It was so easy for me to be able to express my Love for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, except myself. It was a hard reality to face. I used to equate Love with Allowance. I would allow people in my life that I loved to do whatever the hell they wanted and I stayed because I wanted to show them how much I loved THEM at the expense of my own emotional health.
Even with being surrounded by so many people I STILL couldn’t fill that void I had within. I started a blog to find myself, Unapologetic Kinkz; A Perfectly Imperfect Journey to Self-Love. I thought I’d write a few blog posts, take a few bubble baths and BOOM, I’d be there but it didn’t happen like that at all.
I started therapy as a first step because my lack of self-love not only affected me but also my daughter. I was unhappy, bitter and overwhelmed. I yelled a lot and often felt like I was failing as a mother. I knew that in order for me to give her a life of peace, emotional stability and environment to Love freely I needed to start somewhere.
This was the beginning of my Spiritual Journey as well. My journey to Self-Love definitely was not rainbows and sunshine, in fact it wasn’t glamorous at all. It was dark, lonely and often saturated with a loud silence. Spirit led me into isolation because I had to face so many realities about myself and get to the root causes of why I allowed myself to be treated like the red ring around bologna and I couldn’t do that by continuing to distract myself with Friday night wings and Sunday afternoon brunches.
Through therapy and spiritual work I was able to identify my triggers and unpack my trauma. I allowed myself to feel. Really feel. When sifting through my memories of my childhood, failed friendships, a former abusive relationship and toxic work environments I cried all over again. I was mad all over again and felt every other emotion on the spectrum but instead of running away I marinated. I stewed in those emotions and started asking “Why” I was allowing the actions of others to impact me so much.
A major step was realizing I am responsible for me. I was incomplete and expected these incomplete people to complete me. It was a selfish expectation.
I allowed myself the same Grace I had given to all those other people. I noticed oftentimes we want to be over situations and avoid the “feeling”. We don’t want to feel pain, hurt, disappointment or confusion and that leaves us ill-equipped to cope when we are facing these exact emotions.
But that is where I began to nurture and nourish my Higher Self. I found the Power and Enoughness God intended for me to live in. When I started to recognize that despite all that life that happened I was still here, I felt stronger. My discernment grew, I became wiser. I was able to shift my mindset from “Why is this happening to me?” to “Why is this happening for me?”
I became more intentional with who I started to surround myself with again and I had to remain steadfast to the expectations I set for myself. If I was tired I honored that and stayed home, if I wanted affection I made it clear from whomever I wanted it from at the time, if I got somewhere and felt chaos I got my pocketbook, my daughter and all anybody seen were my tail lights as I sped off kicking up rocks, dust, and not today dammit energy. Every day I had to make a conscious decision to choose me. To Love Me.
I started dating myself. I would spend the day pampering, affirming and loving me. I stopped looking externally for what I was missing because I started to see I was who and what I needed. I’d be lying my ass off if I said this was easy work but knowing how it feels to Love myself so freely and so fiercely the work was worth it. If you haven’t already, take the first step. It’s time for you to find purpose in your passion, heal wholly and live unapologetically too Boo!
Love and Light,
Jess B.
IG @jessb_fancy
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